Oh god what have I done-Original Post date: October 31, 2011 at 12:44am

Eating a whole box of Fruit Gushers today out of depression was my downfall this weekend. Managing to not find a certain person and curb stomp their testicles out of existence is my win. I guess that's what happens when scumbag demons from the past suddenly call me up out of nowhere and harass me. Some of you may know the story already. And some of you are probably thinking you'd better start keeping a close eye on me now.
Horray! Halloween is here! A special time of year for slutty costumes and regretful hangovers, or staying inside and contemplating eating ourselves to death on candy corn and other terrible candies. Well, if you're around my age anyway. But who doesn't love thinking back to their childhood, running around house to house at full speed, and barely being able to breathe in your plastic star wars darth vader mask, getting candy from strangers? It's almost like a daring suicide run for kids. Dress up in a hazardous, flammable costume with a plastic mask to hinder your breathing and eyesight, run chaotically through the streets around to strangers' houses and ask for candy. Then go home, stuff yourself with dangerously high loads of sugar, reach insane levels of hyperactivity, pass out in a coma, then hope the next day you didn't develop diabetes.
Christmas decorations are already up for sale. It also seems to me, they not only start selling them earlier every year, but have you noticed just how MUCH decorations seem to be on sale? Where do they get all this stuff? Do people buy all of it or is just the same decorations put out on shelves every year? I'm convinced it is, that back in 1952 they created a shit ton of christmas decorations to sell, only to realize they had an incredibly huge overstock issue at the end of the season, and now since then, they introduce them earlier just to get people to buy them and finally get rid of them, and yet fail to do so every year. Seriously, my parents haven't bought any new christmas decorations in about ten years, besides a tree to slowly kill in our living room every year. And for a good 5-6 years we had the same fake plastic white tree put up. Not only that, but everybody's house I went to for dinner pretty much had the exact same holiday decor as the previous year.
Let's not forget about Thanksgiving. A special holiday commemorating the pilgrims who were taught by native americans how not to starve to death during the winter, and how in return in the next couple hundred years, how we ran over and nearly created genocide on native americans over the entire country. God bless america. Why did we pick the turkey to be the meat of thanksgiving? Turkey is the driest meat ever, and chances are it's never good, so you just skip right over to the gravy drowned mashed potatoes and melting apple pie.
Also, didn't we just get through the holidays? I swear, christmas was 6 months ago, wasn't it? It's still 2009, right? Yes, I know it's not, but it sure feels like it. It doesn't feel like a year has past, my brain is still in last year's winter mode. Any body else feel this way? Great. Now you're all away of how fast your life is passing by and how soon we are all going to die. Happy Holidays. Oh, and forgive me for not including the other holidays, such as Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. I'm not Jewish savvy enough to write a funny paragraph about Hanukkah. Sorry, I feel bad. But hey I hear you guys get 8 days for presents. Or is it crappy like 1 shitty present everyday? If you're Jewish and celebrate Hanukkah, let me know. They never taught me Jewish holidays in school. And Kwanza. I'm sorry, what the hell is Kwanza?

Seriously, does anybody know?