Originally posted October 22, 2011 at 12:44am
Alright. It's about time I posted this, since it's been running
through my mind almost all year and I've neglected to post anything
interesting for a while. Well, let's be honest. Interesting to me. Do
I really think other people give a crap about reading all about my
inner babblings of my mind? No. Do I want them to? Yes. That's why most
of us have a Facebook, right? To give ourselves the illusion that others
pay attention to random shit we say and think about, when in reality
I'm positive I could live without knowing what food you just ate at a
restaurant or what your dog looks like in a frilly outfit you've spent
three days making for him.
But anyway, before I run off on a
tangent, let's get into the main point of my post: 3 things I've learned
to accept about myself, and more importantly, people who plan to
interact with me should know about. This past year hasn't been easy, and
with the things I've dealt with I've added on newer, stranger versions
of myself to my already existing personality that can sometimes get
buried beneath all the chaos.
1. My Perception of Time
Has
anybody noticed the date? October 21st, 2011. Where the hell did this
year go? And why does it still feel like it's only September, and that
February was like only a couple months ago? It's Friday but it still
feels like Wednesday to me and before I know it, it's going to be
December and I've barely begun to register that it's October. My
perception of time has sped up and gotten so out of hand, it feels like
it's being fast forwarded. And the scariest part is, everybody else has
seemed to notice the change too. Not just people my own age, everybody.
Old people, young people, everybody. I'm turning 21 in about 4 months
and a half, and I'm dreading it. I don't want to get older, because
getting older means one day I'm going to be 90 years old walking around
(hopefully) and about to die any day. And I really, really don't want to
die. It's become my number one fear, because when you're dead, you're
not just dead, but you cease to completely exist. First off, no matter
what you believe, no matter what your religion says, or no matter what
scientist theorize, there is no indication of what happens after we die.
You disintegrate down to the smallest molecules and become absorbed
back into the earth again, but as to what happens to our consciousness,
we have no knowledge. As far as I know and believe, we can't think,
laugh, cry, or breathe anymore. And that's forever, as in you'll never exist or think or be aware of anything again. Time
has definitely sped up, and it sucks. And now I feel more pressured
then ever to make the best of my life and short time in existence.
2. I'm no better than the people I criticize daily.
So
in other words, I can be just as much as an arrogant, hypocritical,
asshole as the people I dislike in my general life. Perhaps not in the
same way, but I guess with me it's more subtle. Maybe to some people a
lot more subtle. First off, I personally strive to become a better
person, to not be affected by little things, to have an iron will and a
clean, rational mind. But most of the time that's not the case. I tell
myself it's just a moment of weakness, that for some reason I keep
having to repeat over and over. Let's face it, I'm here to serve myself
and my own interests first above all else. I'm not heartless, there are
people I care about and would sacrifice a lot for. But they are very
few, and it's hard for people to earn that type of respect and
admiration from me. I generally do not like people. I don't like other
people my age, I don't like people on television or movies that much, I
don't like people in public, and I don't like other people in my class. I
don't talk to people in public or in my classes. I just don't care to
know them. I get annoyed when cashiers or waitresses try to make small
talk, I'd rather have them be a robot. Just ring my shit up and get me
out of here. It's not that I have a hard time talking to strangers, I
get along with people easily. I just really don't want to. And let's
face it, I don't do that because somehow I think I'm better than you,
no. I have issues and a big fragile ego like everybody else. I have a
serious case of false modesty, and trust me, it's pretty easy to fake
intelligence. I know I'm not that creative, in fact, I'm pretty
mediocre. But I think knowing that I'm nothing special, and that I have
the same issues as a lot of people, brings me back down to Earth to a
very honest level. It's important to know what one is capable of, and
more importantly, what one is not capable of.
3. If it wasn't for my sense of humor and refusal to grow up, I'd probably go insane.
Let
me explain: I'm not saying that acting childish and immature are the
proper way to go about life. But there are things that "adults" do and
condone that I find completely stupid and detrimental to the growth of
humanity. For example: How many times have you heard people say "Welcome
to the real world" or "That's the way the world works" or more bullshit
like "Because that's the way it is". There is no "real world", it's a
dumb made up phrase that adults tell children to get them to shut up and
adhere to the stupid invisible rules of society. Don't get me wrong,
I'm not suddenly advocating anarchy, what I mean is that how many people
still wish that they were as bright eyed and optimistic now as they
were when they were younger? When did our spirits break and get sweeped
underneath the rug? Yes, life is hard, money rules the world, and people
can be selfish. But that's no reason to think that we can't ever change
anything or do things differently. People like Martin Luther King Jr.
or Lady Gaga aren't famous because they followed the rules, but because
they broke them. Great minds don't think alike, great minds think for
themselves. My usual question is not "why", it's "why not". Why not be
optimistic, why don't hope for unrealistic things, why not act silly in
public or laugh at weird stuff? Which comes to my next point: I love to
laugh, and I will laugh at everything. Two of my heros? Conan O'Brien
and Spongebob. I love weird, childish things and will laugh at the
dumbest things, to also the most inappropriate. I will laugh or be
amused by unfunny things, because I will find something funny about them
whether people like it or not. And I think my ability to make a stupid
joke or laugh at a bad situation is what gets me through the hardest
parts of life sometimes.
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