I love the place I work, the people are awesome and nice, and the job is decently fun, but the hours are absolute shit.

Social Anxiety at the age of 5

I wanna write something because I like the feeling of typing, but I don't know what to write about. It's just fun to distract myself with constant typing, keeping my hands busy. I'm currently sitting at the school library again, learning how to better prioritize my tasks and manage my time, it's a learning process. I bought this book today on a whim from the bookstore while getting my textbooks, called How to Become a Straight-A Student by Cal Newport, and surprisingly it's actually really helpful and useful, so I think it was a good investment. A lot of the ideas and strategies that are presented are refreshingly useful and realistic, with a lot of actual tested methods by real straight-a college students. I'm so glad I found this book.
I hope I'm not annoying anybody with my typing, I feel like it's so loud. But I need absolute silence to be able to concentrate on anything.
Today's accomplishment: I worked up the courage to ask a student behind me to turn down his music in his headphones because I could still hear it, and he wasn't confrontational or anything about it! I was polite, he was polite, everything worked out. Yet I was still consumed by anxiety about it like an hour after I sat back down. But I did it! Then I texted all my friends about it like a dork because I was so proud of myself.

I wish I knew I was socially anxious as a kid, I thought it was normal to be this scared of interacting with new people. I wish my parents knew. Well, they knew I was different, but they didn't understand what to do with me. It must have been tough to be parents of a weird little kid that was afraid of everything. I wonder how much I embarrassed them because of it. The first time I met some cousins of mine at the age of 5, I was too scared to come out from under the coffee table to talk to them, and hid under there for an hour like a scared animal. In third grade, I had no friends because I was a new student in town, and I just sat by myself at recess. My mom would force me to play with neighborhood kids that I didn't want to, and would yell at me and threaten me with grounding if I didn't go. I couldn't understand why she didn't listen to me when I told her I was completely fine playing by myself, and didn't want to play with any of the neighbor girls. In my mind, I was happy doing what I wanted, didn't care to play with strange new people, and felt like I would just be intruding on them. I feel bad for her now. All she wanted was to have a kid with normal social skills, but didn't know how to teach me, so she did what she knew she could and forced me into it. I don't blame her anymore, but I resented her a long time for it.

I can't get my shit together

My self-sabotaging habits are seemingly getting worse, and I think it's because I still don't know how to handle stress and prioritize tasks. I have a million things I need to do and I always end up procrastinating and pushing it off to the side for some immediate gratifying impulse. It's become my biggest battle and I feel like I'm barely holding on. I know I should seek counseling, but I have a hard time following through even on that. Everything is a struggle and I'm so unmotivated to do anything, yet the stress and anxiety keeps me up at night. It's a horrible, vicious cycle that I can't seem to break.
Is this depression? It doesn't feel like it, I just feel like I'm lazy and unmotivated. But with loads of anxiety that I just can't seem to have the energy to deal with. It's a horrible coping mechanism at least. I'm avoiding doing so many important things. Things that will effect my future.
I wish I could fix what was wrong with me. I wish I knew what's wrong with me. I don't even know that. I feel like a loser. I can't start anything. I can't finish anything I start. I can't follow through on promises, to others and myself.
Somebody please help me.

Just got back from the gym, at Sac State. The fucking place is awesome! super updated high tech equipment and tons of space and options, even a giant rock climbing center and outdoor track. I should have come here sooner. R and I worked out, and after that we got some delicious gyros.

Back sitting in the library and goddamn my feet stink. I'm pretty sure the old lady sitting near me can smell them. They do smell slightly vinegar-y. 

Ass. Titties. Ass and titties. Ass ass titties titties ass and titties.

Life goals:
Twerk like a stripper.
Wear a bikini and not be self conscious.
Look good in all the clothes I wear.


I'm so close to the dream!
Gotta gain some serious will power and stop being a stupid lazy baby.
I've gotten back into the habit of running, working out, and portion control.
You don't give a shit about this.

I'll fucking write whatever I goddamn want though. Don't fucking read it if you don't care. I'll die and be forgotten like everyone else.

Oh my god I wanna binge on pizza like a pig. Don't fucking do it D, DON'T FUCKING DO IT YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT YOU CAN FUCKING GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER YOU JUST GOTTA STOP BEING A FAGGOT.

Why does it take so damn long to figure my shit out. I've only recently come to grips with the reality that I have Binge eating disorder and I'm impulsive as fuck. I did not want to turn out like this.

Update: I live in Sacramento with R, my soon to be husband and two other roommates. I go to sac state, still trying to finish up my bachelors degree. And I'm only now learning I have a lot of bad habits that feel impossible to break. I also turn 25 in a couple weeks.

I'm also on the verge of getting up and telling the people across from me at the library to shut the fuck up politely, I don't fucking need to hear them making out and laughing at dumb shit while on the designated quiet floor of the library. I wish I wasn't a pansy and just said something already. I'm scared of them making fun of me or being dicks because holy god I wouldn't be able to handle that much rage choking me up.

this blog is probably stupid and boring, and nobody wants to read it.
But I guess that means I can say whatever the fuck I want.
Like I think it's ok to slap kids that are being shit heads.
and if I wanna leave my dog outside, it will be fine because it's a fucking dog.
and for fuck's sake some people are so dense how do they function?

Damn I never thought it would happen to me but looking back at a lot of my facebook and blog posts make me cringe. I'm stupid.