OCD-Anxiety

Sometimes I feel like I'm a total fucking loser. I step back and look at my life, and feel like I haven't accomplished anything special. There is a wall of invisible fear that's always surrounded me in some way, and I can never seem to ever really break free of it. I guess this is what dealing with anxiety feels like. Sometimes I can't put my finger on it, what exactly is bothering me, but it pokes away at the back of my mind a lot. There's always some small worry or fear, of something going wrong. "Don't get your hopes up"-"Something is bound to go wrong any second"-"Don't be so happy, it will probably go away soon", there words constantly whispering away at my mind. I've been conditioned to always be weary of being happy, for fear of the pain and disappointment at the inevitable moment when something goes wrong. Like forgetting your wallet. Or misplacing an important document. Losing a job. Seeing a loved one hurt, or die. These things are constantly coming and going in my mind.
So I do little things to keep the thoughts from coming. Distract myself. Eat a snack, or watch tv. I don't have to worry about it right now, I can worry about it later. But I keep thinking about it. Hmm. Maybe I should have dinner early. Eat more food. And some ice cream. That always makes me feel better. Dang. Still there.
Or I can just do my rituals that help calm me down. Once. Twice. Again. I didn't do it right, what if that makes something bad happen? Just a few more times.
This is starting to feel never-ending. This is what it feels like when I'm going through a stressful period, my obsessive compulsive just keeps growing. I still feel anxious, my rituals and distractions don't help.
I tend to over analyze everything, especially when I go out and talk to people. Oh god did I just accidentally make a weird face at that guy on the bus? Great, he probably thinks I'm a weird person. Do I do that often? Does my voice sound weird to people when I talk?
I end up never being able to relax, I feel like I'm always on edge, totally high strung. I don't know what it's like to be carefree. And so I just stay stressed out, even when everthing is fine.

Story I wrote-funnypasta

I originally wrote this in a long ass text message to my dear friend and user Monster Tesk, re-wrote it to correct some grammar and spelling mistakes:

(Originally posted by Monster Tesk on Sunday, September 18, 2011)

So you're laying down in your bed. It's dark, quiet, but you can still hear the quiet muffled sounds of people chatting from the living room, it's just about that time when everybody is off to bed. You're laying there, tired, you've had a long day. You're still a little tense but it's slowly starting to drift away as you realize you have no plans for tomorrow and you have this night to relax and let go of everything.

Then it starts.

That sudden feeling that you're not alone, that someone is there with you. You look around the darkened room. No one. But you know someone is there. There is a window across the room, and you can see the bright moonlight coming through the blinds. The slender and crooked silhouette of a tree branch stretched out across it, slightly moving to and fro from the wind outside. And then it goes dark. Something has suddenly blocked all light coming in, but you can't make out what or whom. Suddenly it's as if a giant dark curtain had fallen down. There's no moonlight anymore, just a black mass behind the blinds.

And then it's gone. It's moved off to the right, and the moonlight is back, with just the tree branch shadow against the blinds. Only now it's not moving anymore. It's silent now. There's no more muffled sounds from the living room. You look around the room. Nothing. Just the moonlight shining from outside. It's dead quiet. You're snuggled up in bed with the blanket around you, and so you close your eyes.

But then the dark feeling comes back, and you realize closing your eyes was a mistake, for now you can feel a presence. You open them again......
...........only to realize you are now staring at face, just a few inches away from your own. You freeze, your breath catches in your throat. You can feel their warm breath flowing onto your own face.
You realize they're wearing a mask, a black mask with only their eyes and mouth showing, holding a stern look. You're still frozen, suddenly very worried about how close they are. But to your relief the face suddenly pulls back, and the figure stands up above you. You can still see their eyes, almost like two bright white slits shining out from the mask, which leads way into a cape and a dark suit. You can't make it out right away, but then you see it.

Bat ears.

Before you have time to comprehend it all, a voice breaks the silence, it's loud but strained and forced, in a gruffled like manner. You don't catch what is said right away. "What?", you say.
It repeats.
"Your cat. I accidentally hit your cat outside."
Then you sit up in bed, and are fully alert. "What the hell?"
The figure speaks again. "I'm sorry, but your cat ran in front of me, and I hit it."
You blink. "Oh my god you're Batman"
He seems to suddenly slump slightly, and lower his head. "Yes, but I'm just trying to apologize for hitting your cat".
You're stunned, but come back. "I-I don't have a cat." The dark figure looks up. "oh". it's silent but now a different atmosphere has settled in.
Awkwardness.

The air feels heavy, you stare ahead but are avoiding looking at the figure directly. He seems stern, but now is wavering, as if trying to find something to say. Even the branch behind the blinds shifts uncomfortably. A few moments of nothing. And then he straightens up.
"Nevermind. Go back to sleep" he starts to turn. "Wait" you utter. He turns back, says nothing.
"I....I won't say anything." you say. He wavers again. "Thanks", and then he hurriedly turns around, awkwardly turns the doorknob, and rushes out the room. The door shuts, a careful, slow shut. You then sit there staring at the door. No more noises are heard, no shuffling. As if he'd stepped out of existence. Your eye catches a brief shadow passing by the window. You turn your head in time to see the last flicker of a black mass disappear. Then, back to nothing.

You lay back, suddenly aware of your own body, your own tiredness. But now your eyes are fixed on the window. The branch and the moonlight, saying nothing. Your mind is silent for a while.
"Batman uses door knobs", you hear yourself say, as you drift off to sleep.

The end.

Link to original post by Monster Tesk

I'm not always sure where I'm going with this blog-Fanfiction

I still haven't found a job yet. I've been searching but also during my free time I've seemed to have gotten back into reading a lot of fanfiction again. It's addicting, I've been reading it since I've discovered it in elementary.

Just finished up a couple stories, set from the series Sherlock. They've become some of my favorites, I love how this author writes:

1. Vows of Discretion
2. Thief

Careful, there's some smut. Smutty smut.

Bum Parumpumpum -- I need a Job

So I've recently had to quit my job at Shields Library at UC Davis, due to not being able to take classes anymore which was a requirement in order to work there. I really liked the job but I felt like I was already ready to move on to something more, so it's not a huge loss. Except I need to hurry my ass to find another job to keep paying the rent. Never thought I'd ever end up quitting before I could line up another job.  I've been in talks with Farmers insurance to possibly get a job with one of their branches, and maybe in a year I can get licensed as an agent and start working for myself. Gah, I hope they will hire me.

So I've imported all my old blog posts

Looking back on some of them, I think god how different I was back then only a few years ago. A little cringy, a little angsty, and a lot neurotic. But still it's like looking back on an old diary which I cherish. Really puts into perspective how much I change over time. Some old posts I've deleted, cause they just added nothing to this blog. Not that my blog is some kind of masterpiece.
I've been looking over some old ass diaries I kept in elementary and middle school, and some entries are really amusing to me. Some are as far back as 1st or 2nd grade. I'm glad I kept them. Apparently I attempted to write a rap song:

Written September 30th, 2001

(I was 10)

"Yo, this is a story about a girl named JAN

She went outside, jumped, and RAN

Then a stranger came up and SAID

Yo Wazzup? My name is JED

Then the stranger said JAN

Inside my car is a CAN

of Pringles, will you go GET IT?

FORGET IT

Jan said, you're just trying to 

kid-nap-me.

I shouldn't talk to strangers ANYWAY

So Jan ran home, ALL THE WAY."

Next entry:

"Well that was a dumb song, I'm not sure if I should go with rap music."

I'm not sure why I thought the best way to kidnap someone is to bribe them with a can of Pringles. At least I quickly understood that rap was not my thing. 

Some of my other really old entries are kinda depressing:

January 7th, 2000 (9 years old)

"Dear Diary,

Today we went to a party and my dad got drunk. When we went home, he destroyed the house and acted like a lion! I prayed had hard as I could and hoped that he would stop."

Other entries show me to be a blossoming young woman:

 June 4th, 2001 (age ten)

"Dear Diary,

The boy I like doesn't like me. I found out at pioneer camp. We were going to square dance and he asked Ash to be his partner. I asked him if he liked Ash and he said yes! I couldn't believe it. I was heart broken. I liked him but he liked somebody else. Soon I had many dreams about him night after night. I wished he like me instead of Ashley."

June 26th, 2001 (22 days later)

"Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I got my period! I think it's getting worse. I'm really disgusted and the pads feel like diapers."

And some entries ask really deep, meaningful questions:

October 3rd, 2001 (age ten)

"Dear Diary,

Sometimes I ask myself why I love the show Dragonball Z. It's funny when Goku stuffs his face because it makes me laugh. I like the show because to me it's like real life."

Sometimes I wish Dragonball Z was real life.

What is this..I don't even...

November 5, 2010 at 11:32am

Alright, I simply just had to share this. Talking with my friend Kyle today left me a little stunned at the stupidity he's encountering on a daily basis in his classes. Here's how the conversation went:


Kyle: Diana, I hate these children in my stem cells & genetics class.


Diana: :(


Kyle:  Well, they're all 18, but they're freshmen...One girl said that zygotes had consciousness. A single-celled thing without


a brain has consciousness... "like a little angle trapped in a tiny ball"


Diana: ಠ_ಠ


Kyle: Another kid said that it's better for both the mother and child to die during childbirth naturally than to save either


of them artificially.


Kyle: This one kid said you could use stem cells to live forever....




The End.

Strange dreams

January 15, 2011 at 10:04pm

I walked by my old house today. It was kinda surreal. Brought back a lot of dreams I had around there. Mostly of me leaving my house in the middle of the night and flying away into space. I would quietly take off the screen of my window, sneak out, and just fly away. Didn't care at all if I was caught, or if anyone would miss me. Didn't care either if all I had on were my PJs and that it was cold. I would first fly over other people's houses, look in their windows, sometimes even fly in and check out the place. Then I would just fly off to the end of the universe. There would be that one terrifying moment where I would look back and realize the earth was incredibly far away, and that I couldn't tell which way was up or down anymore, and get completely disoriented. I wouldn't be sure anymore if I was flying in a straight line anymore. Then I just wouldn't care and keep going, past a billion stars and planets, until there wasn't anything anymore to look at and it was all just black. Then I would just end up in really strange places.

Like this

5 Creepy things from my childhood

February 4, 2011 at 8:41pm

By now, most of my good friends know about all the strange happenings that have occurred within my life, but just in case you aren't familiar I've nicely put together a list of five creepy things from my childhood. Enjoy!

1. I've been breastfed by a strange Gypsy.

Growing up in Romania somehow just guarantees strange things to happen to you. My first experience was right after I was born in the hospital, in Hunedoara, Romania. Although I weighed close to average, about 8 lbs, I was the largest baby they had that day. My mom, couldn't produce any milk yet to feed me. This random Gypsy woman out of nowhere, came in the room and went to my mom offering if she could feed me. So my mom thanked her and so I was breastfed by the Gypsy lady. Afterward, my mom didn't see her anymore cause a nurse came in and asked the woman to leave. My mom later in life told me she didn't know why the woman was so bent on feeding me, or where she came from.  

2. According to my grandparents, the Devil and his demons were out to kill me 24/7.

Old school Romanians and Hungarians are kinda superstitious. Although I lived in the city with my parents, every weekend I would go to stay in the Hungarian village, Cristur, with my grandparents on their small farm. They had no running water, and so we got the privilege of using a stone well and an outhouse. They also used an underground cellar dug into the ground to store crops and other items. Because I was young and prone to going off on adventures, my grandparents worried I would one day lock myself into the cellar or fall into the well and drown. In order to keep me away, the told me about the Devil. Satan, they said, was watching my every move, and wanted my soul. He especially liked to get young innocent souls like mine, and so there would be traps everywhere I would go. They told me to stay away from the well, because the Devil liked to hide in it and make people slip into it by accident so he could kill them. His demons would hide in the cellar hoping I would wander in. And to make things extra safe, they told me never to play with any sharp knives or to ever go near my grandpa's scythes and sickles because Satan would make them fall on me and cut my head off.  

3. Hungarians are known for committing suicide.


One night in the village, my grandparents  and I dressed up nice and fancy and went to a funeral service. It was held in someone's house. It was a somber and quiet event, with people dressed in black and mourning, typical thing for a funeral. The only thing I remember vividly, was the room with the open casket. It was a small room, dark and lit with candles, and decorated with lace and flowers all over. People were gathered around a coffin on a table in the middle of the room, and when I looked in I saw a young woman who looked about 20 lying there as if she was asleep. Everyone was silently weeping or praying. I asked my grandma what happened to her, and she whispered to me, "She jumped off a train." Hungarians, it seems, have a preference for killing themselves apparently due to some cultural idea that it's a glamorous and heroic way to get out of terribly depressing situations. You can find many stories and songs on the subject, and several famous Hungarians have killed themselves.

4. I've had close calls with Death on several occasions.

It seems as a kid, I was cursed into being accident prone but was lucky enough to get out every time. One of the first times was when I choked on a lego piece as a baby. I was in the village, and was in my grandparent's room when I decided to get the bright idea of shoving a lego into my mouth and swallowing it. Of course it got caught, I turned blue, and pretty much passed out. My grandparents freaked out and in a panic, my uncle who lived with them, took his hand and shoved it into my mouth to get the piece out. I came to, got scared, and bit him as he reached in and dislodged it. To this day, he still has the scar on his hand. Another time, back in the city, while my parents had the furniture moved to clean up, I stuck my hand in an uncovered outlet and got electrocuted. My mom turned around to see me being electrocuted and quickly pulled me away somehow without hurting herself in the process. On other occasions I have been almost eaten and trampled by pigs, dropped as a baby, almost drowned, and on top of it all, I was severely sick constantly and going to hospitals and doctors weekly.  

5. Gnomes and Goblins

I have a strange phobia. And I'm pretty sure I know where it stems from. I will 100% cry, scream, and kick your face in, if you ever chase my feet. It will reduce me to tears. I think it comes from two things from my childhood. First: by my apartment in Hunedoara, Romania, there was this long park in the middle of the city with a maze like formation with hedges and bushes, and on every corner there was a three foot tall statue of a gnome. By god, they were ugly as hell, and scared the shit out of me. If we ever walked through it, I would scream and cry until my parents held me up on their shoulders. There was this one moment I won't forget, where my dad picked me up but wouldn't put me on his shoulders, so my legs were just dangling from his arms. I started kicking cause we were approaching a statue, and I wanted to get away. Second: back in the village, we had a strange yearly night festival where people dressed up in all white with bells and feathers and went around chasing people. I was out one night in front of the house and this one guy was walking on the street and I saw that he was dressed as one of the white goblin people. I started to go inside cause I got scared and that asshole started to chase me. I ran inside thinking I would be safe, but I guess he was someone I knew cause he ran inside with me. The last thing I remember was screaming and jumping on the bed with the guy running on all fours and grabbing at my feet.

So yeah. Don't chase my feet.

Uninentionally Hilarious Jesus Pictures

October 9, 2009 at 6:40pm

I hope others will enjoy these as much as i did:

I think we should hold an intervention for Jesus, because apparently he has a serious drinking problem.

I'm not sure why Jesus has a creepy, abnormally large mouth, but either he's frozen in mid-sneeze, or turning into a soul-less robot.

Here's another one of Jesus laughing, it looks like someone just walked in on him doing something he shouldn't have been doing.

Pictured: An awkward moment in Heaven.

I'm not sure how hard is it to concentrate with Jesus standing right behind you like that...

Don't you hate it when you have all these dental instruments in your mouth and Jesus keeps talking to you?

It's sad when the only person to clap for your juggling show is Jesus.

This might actually be a good thing.

For a while, Jesus worked part time as a secretary.

And as a part time surgeon.

Also for a while, Jesus thought he was a pirate.

It was a sad life for the drug addicted conjoined twins, Larry and Jesus. Jesus always tried to fight Larry, but Larry was the stronger one.

I think I might be on to something here.....

Ridiculous Kid Toys-written captions in pics are mine

December 3, 2009 at 10:05pm

A while ago, I got this giant catalog for toys in the mail. I decided I must share these.

This looks fun. For about 3 minutes. How much would it cost to upgrade to 5 minutes?

Um. Don't let your kid out in public like this.

For that craft loving lesbian!


Pay 50 bucks to watch your dog licks his own balls for 30 minutes.


Good way to show off how much of a tool your kid is.


Her expression says it all: She just discovered gay fanfiction.


Seriously, they're Italian.


Are you ready to sit through your kid's lame ass magic shows?


Next thing you know, you'll be laughing as you watch your kid's friends shove these up his ass.


"We're not sure what it is, but we pretty sure you'll find a pool of your kid's urine in it by the end of the day."

Tattoos for tools!

That's great, Derek! Now you're ready for prison.


All the fun of a trampoline, without the fun! Or the trampoline, really. For extra safety, duct tape her hands to the bar.

Another Quiet Sunday

December 6, 2009 at 5:22pm

Sundays usually feels like a Monday with nothing to do. So here's a poem:

Another Quiet Sunday


Another quiet Sunday,
to lay around in bed,
and watch the day go by with ease.

Another careless Sunday,
no worries in my head,
to do whatever, I please.

My only reflections,
that sometimes flutter by,
are my whirling thoughts of you.

Like a leaf helplessly
swirling in the breeze,
aimlessly flying through.

Picture unrelated.

Knowing this makes life way more awesome!

January 4, 2010 at 7:12pm

Your Result:
You are Jean-Luc Picard
Jean-Luc Picard 80%
Deanna Troi 60%
Spock 47%
James T. Kirk (Captain) 45%
Uhura 45%
Beverly Crusher 45%
Data 41%
Geordi LaForge 40%
Will Riker 40%
Chekov 35%
An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 35%
Worf 30%
Leonard McCoy (Bones) 25%
Mr. Scott 10%
Mr. Sulu 10%
A lover of Shakespeare and other
fine literature. You have a decisive mind
and a firm hand in dealing with others.
AWESOME!

Team Coco

January 12, 2010 at 1:44pm

A letter From Conan:

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.

Yours,

Conan

One of my favorite persons :)

January 23, 2010 at 1:36am

Conan O'Brien's words and wishes on his last Tonight Show:

"Before we end this rodeo, a few things need to be said. There has been a lot of speculation in the press about what I legally can and can't say about NBC. To set the record straight, tonight I am allowed to say anything I want. And what I want to say is this: between my time at Saturday Night Live, The Late Night Show, and my brief run here on The Tonight Show, I have worked with NBC for over twenty years. Yes, we have our differences right now and yes, we're going to go our separate ways. But this company has been my home for most of my adult life. I am enormously proud of the work we have done together, and I want to thank NBC for making it all possible.

Walking away from The Tonight Show is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Making this choice has been enormously difficult. This is the best job in the world, I absolutely love doing it, and I have the best staff and crew in the history of the medium. But despite this sense of loss, I really feel this should be a happy moment. Every comedian dreams of hosting The Tonight Show and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. I've had more good fortune than anyone I know and if our next gig is doing a show in a 7-11 parking lot, we'll find a way to make it fun.

And finally, I have to say something to our fans. The massive outpouring of support and passion from so many people has been overwhelming. The rallies, the signs, all the goofy, outrageous creativity on the internet, and the fact that people have traveled long distances and camped out all night in the pouring rain to be in our audience, made a sad situation joyous and inspirational.

To all the people watching, I can never thank you enough for your kindness to me and I'll think about it for the rest of my life. All I ask of you is one thing: please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere.

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."

I've been a devoted fan of Conan for a long time, and I hope he will move onto bigger and better things. He really deserves it. I love you, Conan! :D

A sophisticated and classy man..

..and a one of a kind, hilarious goofball..

..with many talents,..

..he's quite the entertainer..

..and you gotta admit, he looks good in Canada :)

Uninentionally Hilarious Jesus Pictures: Round 2!

January 25, 2010 at 9:40pm

Time for another round! Enjoy:

Moses passes the puck to Jesus, Jesus shoots, and He scores!!!! GO MIGHTY DUCKS!

 

Jesus: "Eric? Is that your name? Yes. I like you, you can stay. Everybody else, leave us. Now."

Other Kids: "Aww man!"

 

Jesus: "Alright, we're gonna make a left turn here, and then pull into that parking lot on the right. Nice and easyyy..."

Jesus: "Debra, let's talk about this. Look, we can stay at my mom's place, and I can get a job making cabinets. We're gonna be fine!"

 

You can't get a body like this with prayer, that's a Bowflex body!"

 

Jesus: "Hey yo girl, watchu readin? You want a soda or somethin? Drink's on me."

 

Okay, I don't understand this picture at all. Is that guy tired from hammering nails? What is that on the ground, weird Christmas decorations? Or did Jesus drain the life out of him with some Vulcan death grip? I MUST KNOW

 

Jesus: "Hey, how's my big strong man doin?" Man: "Please Jesus, I'm busy."

 

Random people: "The lights! We're totally blind in the dark!" Mary: "It's okay....I've got a glowing baby Jesus." Random people: "Woahhh!!"

 

Jesus: "HEY! Have you heard about me? Do you want to talk about the word of my Dad?" 

Runner: "...(breathlessly) No..."

 

This is absurd. Why is there a 30 story Jesus knocking on my hotel window?

 

I really don't know what to say, except that look on his face probably already says it all.

 

Jesus loved watching sad Lifetime movies and hated seeing them on such tiny screens. But his dad still refuses to buy a television for Heaven.

 

I think Jesus should become the next American Idol judge. Look at that glare on his face. That's right, you suck, and you know it. Jesus doesn't even have to say one word.

Speak

February 2, 2010 at 5:52pm

First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak out. - Pastor Martin Niemöller